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Bereavement Counseling
Topics:
How It Feels...
It's OK To Grieve
How It Feels When Someone You Love Dies
Your Physical Well-Being: Concerns and Suggestions for Relief and Healing
It is always difficult after a loved one has died. We hope this information will help you to deal more effectively with your grief.
What you may experience physically:
- tightness in the throat or in the muscles
- heaviness in the chest
- inability to sleep
- periods of nervousness, or even panic
- lack of desire to eat, or a desire to over eat
- experience of seeing or hearing the loved one who died
- headaches or stomach/intestinal disorders
- lack of energy
- inability to concentrate
What to do for physical relief and healing:
- Have your family physician give you a check-up.
- In the early stages of grief, don't force yourself to eat more than you want. As your appetite returns, eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.
- Get some exercise, even a peaceful, quiet walk. Physical exercise can help you to relax.
- Giving up caffeine (coffee, colas, tea, some over-the-counter medications, etc.) may help to relieve nervousness.
- Beware of alcohol, which is a depressant. Research indicates that alcohol interrupts normal sleep patterns.
- Check yourself frequently for balance in your life—a healthy portion each of rest, recreation, prayer/meditation, and work can work wonders.
Your Emotional Well-Being: Concerns and Suggestions for Relief and Healing
What you may experience emotionally:
- sadness and/or depression
- forgetfulness
- feelings of guilt or anger about things that happened or didnt happen in the relationship with the deceased
- unexpected anger towards others, God, or the deceased
- crying easily and/or unexpectedly
- mood swings
- feeling uncomfortable around other people
- not wanting to be alone
- feeling that death is unreal
- denial
- emptiness, betrayal, or a sense that you were cheated
- haunted by thoughts of "if only" things had happened differently
- fear of what will happen next
- doubts or questions concerning why the death occurred
- desire to run away
- desire to become very busy in order to avoid the pain of loss
- feeling like you're "going crazy" when overwhelmed with intensity of feelings
What to do for emotional relief and healing:
- Be gentle with yourself. Although you may often feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that what you are going through is natural.
- Reach out to others. It is important to find friends with whom you can talk. Sharing with someone who's "been there" can be especially helpful.
- Tell and re-tell to those who understand (not to anyone and everyone) what happened, remembering things about the loved one and the experience of his/her death. Remember that the good memories are very important.
- Be aware that people grieve in different ways. Don't measure your progress in handling grief against how others handle theirs.
- You may often or you may not. When you do, realize that it is therapeutic. Don't fight the tears. As the author Jean G. Jones says, "Cry when you have to, laugh when you can."
- Confront guilt by realizing that you did the best you could.
- Become familiar with the normal experiences of grieving and be willing to engage in your own grief work.
- Remember that grieving takes time, and that experiences and emotions can reoccur. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
- Beware of being critical of yourself, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.
- Other events in your life may also be grief situations (trouble with spouse, children, work or friends). Keep in mind that this happens to many grieving people, and these situations can complicate the grieving process.
- Find support from both inside and outside your family but don't assume that your family can meet all of your needs. Remember that they too have their hands full of grief.
Many of us have been brought up to be independent: "I'm going to handle this on my own." Sometimes we find it difficult to ask for help yet we all need support. Take the risk of joining a support group, such as Hospice Maui's H.E.A.L. Group. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in working through your grief.
It may be time to struggle with new life patterns. In the past, you may have handled grief by overactivity. If your previous style of grieving has not been helpful, be willing to try new approaches.
Become active in a support group. Find telephone friends. Read and learn about grief. Hospice Maui has a fine selection of books available and we have suggestions for internet resources on our Other Resources page.Work on developing new coping skills. Reaching out to help others. Hold on to HOPE.